My title was: Honestly Trying.
And I am. I combined a strong value of mine with my struggle. For a second I almost put "honestly disobedient."
Because that's true too.
But it seemed a little too harsh.
Because I do obey sometimes.
I struggle with following those little nudges that the Holy Spirit gives me. And it's an interesting struggle because it is always about me and wanting to do it my way. About my selfish desires taking precedent over a work God wants to do. As Paul says, I do what I don't want to do and I don't do what I do want to do (Romans 7:19).
Best example: The nudge pushing me to talk to a neighbor across the street. To just introduce myself. To give a smile. My response was to smile politely and go inside. Good enough, right God?
I found out several months later that the neighbors daughter had been raped in my house. That my neighbor's hurt was so raw and so fresh that she couldn't even look at my house.
I realized that Jesus wanted me to be a very small part of her healing and I had chosen to ignore that - as if my desire to get on with my day was more important.
And that's why I almost wrote "honestly disobedient." Because I still ignore those pulls and whispers. And even sometimes when I respond in obedience my heart is irritated.
And do you want to know the true paradox? I'm terrified to my core that some day those nudges will go away. That God will move on to find someone who is more obedient. I'll still be His - but I'll have stamped a big "no, I won't do it" on my forehead.
So then I make effort to be more obedient. To listen better. And the challenges come. And the frustration. And then - the thing I most desire happens.
A little bitty part of me gets cleaner. Clearer. I let Him wash it and allow His holiness into the dirtiest parts of me. And I thought I was doing something for Him. Turns out the blessing runs both ways.
I think it fits.